Isn’t it fascinating that I have a long list of pet hates when in actual fact one of my pet hates is the culture and fascination with listing things, you know, the whole 'top ten’ of this and ‘greatest movies of all time’ stuff.
MSN is notoriously rife for listing just about everything that can possibly be listed - and the shame about that is nothing can have a true value these days without a number, place or rank within a list and this carries over to us in our discussions about, for example, who the best footballers are of all time. Does that shit really need to be ranked? Anyone can make a list; it’s not a hard thing to do.
Anyway, all this talk about lists is making for listless reading so let’s get on with the show and you guessed it, coming up are my pet-hates, a subject I’ve been meaning to molest for a while now. It’s The Daily...keep the lists for the Sunday shopping, please!
-Michael Jackson
-Willy Nilly
-Pet hates
-Michael Jackson
By now, I’m sure everyone knows that Michael Jackson is dead and there is suspicion mounting as to the circumstances surrounding it i.e. maybe drugs were used. Conspiracy theories will be rife, no doubt, as there always is when someone of such altitude dies, some will think he’s still alive but the question I am asking is this, was Michael Jackson black or white? My brother says he is black and also my mate, but this photo begs to differ; http://www.gossipcheck.com/blog/wp-c...
Clearly he’s white! Not black. He WAS black. But now he’s white.
-Willy Nilly
According to Stephen Fry the word ‘willy nilly’ used to mean that one was indecisive but now it has transcended to mean that one is all over the place. Fry thinks that’s fine because “language is like nature in the way it evolves,” I wonder what words we use today will change in the future!
-Pet hates
I have no idea why the things that get under our nose are called ‘pet-hates’ because to me that’s a dig at our lovely pets to which our homes would be lifeless without their presence. Perhaps it’s because, like a pet, we look after our hates – even though we hate our hates we do tend to them affectionately...I for one have noticed that people love to tell others what rubs them the wrong way, what really annoys them, don’t we love to tell of our pet hates. Is it likeable?Maybe, maybe it is likeable to dislike things, there’s nothing wrong with it I guess, just as long as your pet hate stays on a leash and doesn’t shit where it’s not supposed to then we shall all be fine (perhaps fine isn’t the best word to use there). So without further Bob McAdoo (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_McAdoo)
1. Male Vulgarity
I HATE male vulgarity. It’s brutal, it’s disgusting and it’s nothing but utter frothy filth that shouldn’t even brave the top of a Fosters pint served in a plastic cup in Campus of all places. You would think, in this day and age, such vulgarity would have long escaped our tongues. But still, there is a lot of males who love nothing better than to shout, “get your tits out” “show us yer rat” “show us yer minge hen” “get yer flaps out” etc to females , I’m sure you guys know exactly what I am talking about.Where does that come from? What exactly are these people expecting?
Do they actually think that by shouting that shit that a female is actually going to get her tits out for them? Of course she isn’t. That shit is not cool. Calling a vagina a rat?!? Well, if that’s what they want to call it then I guess us males came from a rat, what does that make us... vermin?
I cringe when I hear that shit. I cringe when the white van beeps his horn because he’s seen a female, my God, look, there’s a girl! Oh and she’s got blonde hair, and tits too, and an arse, wow! A female with blonde hair, tits and an ass, well I’ll be dammed. Are these people surprised to see a female with a pair of tits or an arse? As if they aren’t meant to have them!
What makes that even more pitiful is that some males do the above in front of other males just to be cool, to be ‘one of the lads.’ God help us all.
The way these guys are acting you’d think they’d never seen any of it before, but the worst part is, they have...have a wife, have children, have daughters, have mothers and grandmothers.
Why disrespect women like that?
2. Male Vulgarity (again)
Another element of vulgarity from males that gets on my tits, or my man breasts, is males who refer to having sex as, “getting ma hole.” Again, I’m sure your ears have heard the “a hole is a goal” terminology and all the other derogatory references that go with it.Listen. A hole is not a nice thing to call a woman’s vagina, even though it may be a hole of sorts. But the funny thing is, a hole is usually described as a place you would rather NOT be. You know, digging’ yourself a hole, stuck in a hole, trapped in a hole – that sort of thing.
Conversely, a vagina is a place I’m sure a lot of males would love to be in so why it’s called a hole I do not know, I just think it’s disgusting and unimaginative; you will never catch me saying it or even having the audacity to ask a girlfriend for it.By the way, some males actually ask their girlfriend if they can get their hole, I’m not sure what’s worse, the male who asks or the female who puts up that shit.
Why don’t we call it a fissure instead?
3. Male Infidelity
Because nobody likes a cheater, do they? Hmm, in most aspects of life cheating is seen as a bad thing (think steroids in sports) but to some people cheating on your wife or girlfriend is acceptable but I don’t think it is at all, hence the reason it is on my list. I know a lot of people who cheat and I guess cheating and bragging go hand in hand because cheaters love to talk about their handy work -as they’d like it to be known. Honestly, is it really that hard to be disciplined?
Well, women know when their being cheated on and I’m sure it won’t be long before the culprit is caught with his Paddy Ashdowns.
If one female isn’t good enough don’t have two. Simple!
4. Certain words
Yes, certain words annoy me, especially ones that are grossly over-used like make-up on a tart! I am not you’re dude and I don’t think what just happened was awesome, mostly because I am not AMERICAN!!!I am Scottish, I am your lad, laddy, man, chum, pal, mate – not a dude. Call me whatever you want but not dude, please. As for awesome, it’s just one of those words that doesn’t carry any weight with me. Awesome has been so over done now that it’s lost its awesomeness and now when people describe something as awesome I believe it means mediocre.
Awesome is arsesome.
5. Manners, please.
I believe I am quite the gentlemen when it comes to my manners, I just wish more people were as considerate as myself. If you are in front of me and I am lagging behind I expect you to hold the door open for me, not because I am incapable but because I would do the same for you, it’s basic gentonomics.
Maybe that should be a subject in University!
6. Issue with tissue
I hate when I do the toilet only to discover there is no toilet roll, so much so, that I once famously mentioned it in a job interview and suffice to say I did not get the job. But seriously, a toilet without bog roll is like a bedroom without a bed, shits not right.
7. Checkout Manners
Yes I am developing a pet hate for people with no checkout manners and it’s nothing to do with people paying by card when there’s a great big queue (although that is rather annoying isn’t it?) it’s more to do with people not putting down the “next customer please” stick on the conveyor belt. Because they don’t do this, I have to reach over everyone’s food and grab it myself, and yes, best believe I slam it down on the belt when that happens!!
Okay, so it’s not that bad but this goes back to manners for me, it isn’t a hard thing to be courteous to the next man. And if I only have two items and you have two hundred you better be letting me skip you.
Oh, and people who just stand there and I can’t put my shopping on the conveyor belt, the belt moves for a purpose so there is no need to stand idle like the Queens guard.
8. Lists
I was going to list the reasons why I hate lists but that would be like eating my own faeces. Eh, maybe I should just move on to the next topic as to get that horrible image out of your head and my own. It does, however, serve as a good way of me showing you my dislike for lists.What is the greatest? Are sports, films, television and music dead? Well, until they are, there really can be no greatest and honestly, who actually cares, there are so many intangibles when listing such things that it just can’t be done.
9. Directors who over use their nameAlmost every film poster and trailer now comes with the whole “from the Director of the 40 year old virgin” bullshit. Why do they feel the need to mention that shit? Do they think the audience are stupid? And what’s even more silly is that sometimes when it says from the director of such and such a film - that film wasn’t even good anyway so it would make people NOT want to see it.
A film should be able to stand on its own without reminding people who directed it, it’s fair enough to have the directors name on the poster but not in HUGE type and with the whole introduction as I mentioned earlier.
10. Looking at my feet first
I am going to get a pair of white trainers and on the front I shall draw a pair of eyes, a nose, maybe even a wee moustache, some eyebrows and a wee smile for the mouth because the amount of people that look at my feet first as if it’s my face is atrocious. Then again, maybe my trainers are more pleasant to look at.
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I shall not be fractious in these times...I shall not be fractious in these times... I shall not be fractious in these times...I shall not be fractious in these times...
If you’re going to fuck the world, do it gently.
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