The Daily Dott - Thursday - The Greatest Show On Earth

Meeting up to ‘get back’ the old DVD’s and CD’s usually signals the end of a relationship. But as I found out, meeting up isn’t always easy; in fact, it can be a complicated war of cunning and chance. It’s so funny how we act over our precious ‘property’ when it comes to tying up the loose ends.

You start to get super defensive over some shit film that you only watched once, if at all, and some shit CD that you could easily replace for a couple of quid.

But no, you want to be awkward about it, not only that, but you want to meet them, damn right you want to them and you’ll get back your ‘fucking CD’s.’

“Naw, naw, yer no postin them, yer meeting me and I’ll get them!”

It’s War now, baby.

It’s like your entire world suddenly depends on these items and you begin to get so wound up that they are not back in your possession, where they belong.

Because they are yours!

“Their mine, ma fuckin CD’s”

You shout. You scream. You. Want. Them. Now.

And if that fails, which it normally does depending on how awkward the other person is, you start the old, “well if you don’t give me back my CD’s yer no getting your clothes back either”, of course the funny thing is, she’s already told you to fuck off and burn them!

The old ransom game just backfired.

Ahhhhh.

The joys of being a grown up!

I once played those frustratingly mind-boggling games with a casserole dish, yes, a casserole dish, of all things, “I want my casserole dish, no, you won’t post it! I want to meet you and I want it back, I can’t make casseroles without it”

I can’t make casseroles without it. I can’t make casseroles without it. I can’t make casseroles without it.

I started to treat this casserole dish like it was an everyday item that I could not live without, as if it was just as important as my own set of keys or my mobile phone, as if, I had been making casseroles every single day for the last five years.

I was so possessed over this pile of Pyrex that I was adamant I was getting it back, fighting all the way to the courts of human rights if need be, for the freedom to have my casserole dish back that, I, Michael Dott paid for.

The funny thing is, once I got it back, I tossed it in the cupboard and it hasn’t been used since!!

It’s the Daily...got my DVD’s?


-Confessions of a court reporter
-Probably the most annoying
-Mumps the word
-Fantasy
-The Greatest Show On Earth


-Confessions of a court reporter

With my four pens fully loaded strapped to my camouflaged shirt, I had enough ammo to take down a few...notes, I shall infiltrate between the lines of innocent paper and crush a few notepads along the way. My mission was simple, to bring the news, or at the very least, bring a bloody half decent game report for those who missed the action.

And the action was, the Glasgow Rocks Junior side taking on Glasgow Storms Junior side, and in case you missed it, which you probably did, the report can be read here:

http://www.thedailydott.com/juniorrocksshineontheprocourt.pdf

Before the game got underway, I decided to play my own little game and that was, to see how many people I met that day mention the fact that the clocks went forward, sorry, back during the middle of the night...unfortunately for my easily pleased mind nobody mentioned the clocks going back, besides my Brother later on that day, after all, me and my team of analysts were too busy focusing on the game clock.

Yes I was quite lucky to meet a young girl who was the cousin of one of the Rocks players, talking to her broke up what could have been an otherwise boring day.

Instead, I found myself sipping a John Coffey whilst talking about the music of Lord Of The Rings and how appetising lambnis bread is, or is it, bread lamnis?

I can’t remember but it is the bread that Frodo and Sam share in the film, one they ration very cautiously as the only other thing that seems to be worthy of eating in their journey is the hobbits themselves.

No wonder Frodo looked so miserable in the film.

Talking to this bright eyed and ambitious young girl, they always are at that age, I couldn’t help but think that one of the most annoying things about being ‘old’ is you lose your naive side, the side that would, after two minutes, ask someone if they ever plan on travelling the world.

What a wonderful question!

Met with the unadventurous response of; “I don’t have a passport.”

I told her about the hazards of the job, that the written word is binding, that it is in black and white and can easily be torn apart, that the whole point of me being there was to recap the events for those who weren’t and that maybe a real reporter would be in the hall talking to the coaches and players.

But the young girl was far more interesting, and besides, I like to just go in the stands and get the report written, not that I would be a member of the press box anyway it’s not like I was covering the game for a newspaper or anything.

So when we did find ourselves in the stands, accompanied by the great Robert J Mills, all of a sudden I became an expert on all matters basketball!

“When the team in black get the ball they are on offense, they have 24 seconds to get a shot up, now they want to settle down and run a play, it’s like a game of chess really...”

I was sure my words were falling on death ears but maybe I was talking to myself, reminding myself that I actually do a know a bit about basketball and there’s no reason why I can’t do this report.

It had been about seven months since my last one, so I felt like I needed to justify it or something.

Anyway, the game was a bit lacklustre from a reporter’s perspective, nobody died on the day so there was really nothing exciting to write about but I guess that girl might have had a few things to write in her diary that night, mostly of how I talked the ears off her about basketball.

They still keep one at that age, don’t they?

-Probably the most annoying

I do find that the word probably is probably the most annoying of words to spell!

-Mumps the word

The following is a telephone conversation that me and my friend, who we shall just call ‘B’ (for legal reasons) had about the dangers of giving blood... or something like that;

Me: Youuuuu

B: Youuuu ya cunt

Me: Geeeeeeeez

B: Yeeeeeez ahhh

M: Awrite mate!

B: I went into the Doctors and told the cunt I had the old mumps!

M: Mumps the word mate! My mumps, my lovely lady mumps!

B: Aye, the Doctors hate a bit of self diagnosing but I just told him straight away then he took a sample and said, it’s the mumps, but I told him that already

Me: Haha, they must hate that

B: He told me to stay away from people but people know to stay away from me anyway!

M: Haha

B: I’ve got an infectious personality now I have infectious blood.

Me: Did you no give blood the other day man?

B: Shit that’s right

Me: Some poor person out there has the mumps now!

B: Imagine it was a cancer patient

Me: You better phone them man

B: I’m no phoning them that’s my phone bill I’m using. They don’t even check for infections they just ask if you are okay, test for iron levels and then take a pint of the good stuff.

Me: Man you need to get on the phone that’s no right

B: I know, pain in the arse though

Me: Mate your blood is evil, it’s the dark side of the force mate, no one is compatible

B: Haha, youuuuuu, this is a pain right enough.


-Fantasy

One of my friends, not the one with the infected blood and personality disorder, suggested that if I could not get to sleep I try thinking of some fantasy stuff, no, not of an adult nature! I’m trying to get to sleep not stay awake. So I gave it a go...

I was running up the hill then I could see the skyline, it was horizontal, a neon light flashed across the screen and then I was swimming, my ears are popping, I am way, way, way down the bottom of the ocean, I see red sand and Mario appears beside me, I take his star and dodge the dragon that is chasing him...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It works!


-The Greatest Show On Earth

It shall not be televised, it shall be visualised, through the eyes of those who witness the glorious montage of basketball cuttings strategically placed to bring a story of a team now in its zenith.

I have a wee smirk on my face because right now anyone reading that has no idea what the hell I am blabbing on about, but let’s just say I had an art attack last night, and if you are a member of the Glasgow Rocks you will see the greatest show on earth tonight.

If you go to training that is :D


You escaped the frosted glass on the windscreen and dodged the supermarket queue’s... You escaped the frosted glass on the windscreen and dodged the supermarket queue’s... You escaped the frosted glass on the windscreen and dodged the supermarket queue’s...